I'm a creative person. Right?

I'm one of those people that have about 27 thousand ideas swarming in my head in a single moment. Imagine a computer with that many tabs open. It's a nightmare right?! What do you expound on? Which one should you start with? Aaaaahhhhhh! 

I might be in the grips of a mild panic attack right now, don't judge. But I have one clear (yet nagging) tab that's flashing at me. Do something. That's all it says. Do something. Ok smart ass, what?! Funny how the answers never just appear in a pop up ad. 

So here's what I'm thinking. I like to write, it's cathartic and it helps me to organize my thoughts. It can be creative and bonus! I get to inflict all my weirdness on someone else. I had thought in my younger years I would inflict this weirdness on children but let's be honest, that's never gonna happen. 

So welcome to my strange mind people! You are my children/guinea pigs. Please don't judge me or call social service on me. 

So now the big question. What tab to play with first...

So what will I regret today?

Oh sweet lord on a fucking pogo stick. *lets out a slow heavy breath* Ok, that helped a bit. 

I've gotten home from work and am now laying across my bed replaying the day. I instantly find one tiny scrap of a situation that immediately fills me with regret. Was it earth shattering? Did someone lose a limb or get eaten by lamas? Nope. Not even close. At this point the actual situation doesn't even matter. What gets to me is how I fixate on it and somehow find some imaginary fault to beat myself with. It's ridiculous! I know this! But the rational side of my brain is currently being locked in a closet by the irrational side of my brain. The irrational side has also not showered in three days and is laughing demonically as this all unfolds. *sidenote, I have showered, that part of my brain however has not. Big difference* 

It's like a secret ability of mind to do this, to turn the mole hill into a mountain. And for no god damned reason! I'd like to think it's my superhero power. Able to leap to worst possible conclusion in a single bound! Some comic company needs to get on this shit. 

I've always been an anxious person. Ever since I was little I could rip apart a single situation and somehow put myself in full blame of everything; even if it was a good situation, I'd find something to blame myself for. I'm like a walking, talking version of Web MD. Give me five minutes alone with a problem and my diagnosis will be lupus. The only upside is now I've had enough therapy and been on enough meds that I can laugh at myself and how ridiculous I am. Might take me a minute to get there, but the jokes always win out. It's not that I don't take my anxiety seriously, I do. I have just learned to deflect the bad thoughts into humor. Or at least that's what a therapist said to me once. It stuck pretty well. 

But as I sit here; I've now moved into my damn bathroom non the less, I realize whatever situation started this whole meltdown isn't that damn bad. But this is my life. My first thought most mornings is "so what will I regret today?" It's exhausting really.

I think I need a nap.